All of the sudden I'm having a strange relationship with change.
I guess I've always had it, but it has come to more of a forefront fairly recently.
Don't get me wrong, I can deal with change just fine. I get through my stages of grief and learn to live anew. But now I feel like so much is changing around me and that it has been happening, gradually, for so long, but that I'm only realizing it now.
I guess there were early signs that something like this could happen. When people ask me how old I am, I still answer twelve or thirteen.
I'm fifteen now, and I need to start acting like it.
I don't know what it's going to be like, being a sophmore. Lex is going to be a Freshman, Ellen's going to be a Junior, and Megan's going to be a Senior. And it blows my mind.
Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the posters on my walls, or what people assume I mean when I put them on my walls. I don't feel watched, I feel like they're something to watch. They're looking to get looked at, passive-aggressively. My sister used to have these porcelain dolls scattered throughout our room, and my friends used to find it creepy. But you almost feel taken care of, like someone's watching you, protectively. I need someone to take care of me, no matter how immature that sounds. But I know my needs and I find it important to make them known. I don't need someone to look after me, but I need someone who will at least look at me.
My parents aren't the most protective people, and I guess that's what a lot of kids dream of. Parents who will let them go out and trust them and not call every hour on the hour. But sometimes it's nice to get a text and know that someone is interested.
Wow, that was a tangent.
But Change. Back to Change.
I don't know what it's supposed to mean, to go up a grade or get a better grade or get a medal. I guess it's a sign of improvement.
But, improvement is gradual, personal. And personally, I find it hard to chart.
Seniors are leaving. Everything is going to change. And they're going to be expected to be upstanding citizens, College Freshman. God Save the Queen.
Somehow, in about three months, almost everyone in my grade is going to be expected to be a 'Sophmore'. Whatever that means. But I don't see it that way.
In three months, I'm still going to be Jessica. This girl with a bitchy name who writes scripts and attempts to connect with people through self-ridicule. I will still prefer the nighttime and hate the horrible lives of penguins and wish everyone would recycle more. I'm going to be 16 next year, March 2013. But I'm still going to have the same bones, the same blood type, the same DNA.
Because what am I, if not Human?
