Q4 - WHAT IS REQUIRED of YOU

A Major
I just spent an hour trying to figure out what I want to. Would I go somewhere new, somewhere experimental? I've just realized how much I frankly don't want to do that. Well, that's not completely true, I AM trying something new for me. But it's not crazy and most importantly to me, it doesn't scare me. I know a little bit of fear is good and all, but at this stage in my life a little comfort means everything to me. With that in mind, I'm running with my tail between my legs back to written word. I want to try my hand at short stories, mainly. My job in making all of these little movies has been to try and give up on a hold of the story and let it come to me. That has honestly made me so uncomfortable and questioning of my own capabilities as an artist. I want to try and take that control back. Whatever it takes to find my footing somewhere I can see the ground.

That said, I don't have a firm grasp on what I'd want the finally product of these endeavors to be. Putting together a collection at the end would be the obvious choice, my only qualm being it seems a tad pretentious. Pretentious is one of the top five things I don't want to present myself as. I already have pretentious working against me because I want to work alone. I want be able to do something without having to worry about it being judged in front of me. My community are the people I feel the least judged around. People who have become my closest friends. That's what I believe is going to keep me going through fear of being seen as an egotistical brat. The people who know I'm not. I don't know what I could be graded on. Getting stuff actually done in a timely manner is definitely one, but past that is all technical jargon that I have never excelled in. My apologies. I'm useless at the educational system.

A Minor
I used to love art, arguably more than writing. I want to get back into that. I miss the pride of putting out something visually great, and trying my hand at that again excites me. I haven't put out nearly enough that I'm proud of in too too long and that distresses me. The actual act of even just doodling though, that calms me down. Once I stop, I freak out, so I need to throw myself in when I can. That sounds great for a minor.

A Book
The reason I'm interested in short stories is completely dependent on my limited but so positive experiences with Bukowski. Because of that, I want to read a book on him. Also, he was a very interesting man. He didn't start really writing until he was middle-aged, and even then he was a cult favorite. He also seems all shades of crazy, which I'm depending on to make some juicy scandals.
I'm between these two, but I'm leaning towards the first. I need a tie-breaker.
http://www.amazon.com/Hank-The-Life-Charles-Bukowski/dp/0394575261
http://www.amazon.com/Charles-Bukowski-Locked-Arms-Crazy/dp/0802136974/ref=pd_sim_b_1

A Little Older, A Little Wiser

I honestly didn't realize how long my posts are until about five minutes ago. I don't mean to write so much, it just gets away from me after awhile I suppose. I think it might stem from me trying to compensate for my guilt of not writing enough personally. I don't sit down and just write anymore. This is the main thing. Everything else is up in my head running around in circles, and this is a therapeutic release for me. And I know as a result, my writing is becoming more disjointed and unclear in intent. For the most part, I read intense, feeling-centric poetry in my spare time which influences how I speak and express myself in general. While I find this medium enthralling rather gorgeous, that doesn't mean it has the same effect on others and I know that.

I think this is me apologizing. I feel bad and at fault for how hard I am to understand at times and it's important to me to show that I'm aware of my what can be easiestly described as my shortcomings. I feel like too many people go around ignoring aspects of themselves that can be irritating to others, and while you shouldn't change yourself for others, I think it's good to try and understand their point of view and why it might be found annoying. Just some food for thought, chickadees.