En Route : Destination Unknown

I am a writer. I write things. This year, I’m taking the Creative Writing class offered, have a teacher I actually like (even though my classmates are pretty pretentious), and I’ve been writing more and I honestly believe it is making me happier.

For some reason, this makes me want to do art. Right now, I’m excited about something I’ve been working on in that class, but I don’t want my writing to overlap. Also, I’ve wanted to pursue art for awhile now.

I’m actually worried about it, though. I feel intimidated by the quality reached by a lot of other people in class, and when I draw it is in a very different style. One of my biggest fears is being the odd girl out, without having already accepted that role privately. Therefore, all of my art is reserved in that I am not quick to show it, and am very protective of it. I’m even afraid it isn’t art at all.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to stop writing, I just want to even it out a bit.

On another note,

I am really proud of my portfolio blog. It’s linked at the top of my blog and I’ll even link it here again. It’s a new feeling for me to be openly proud of my writing. Commonly, it is thought that people who say that they’re modest are in fact not so. But, I am modest, especially about my writing, and don’t give myself enough credit. This is me giving myself credit. And I want people to read my work. I want to grow confidence, even if it’s slow but sure.

Songs I’m Currently Obsessed With:

Female Doctor by Miniature Tigers

Sigh No More (featuring Maurissa Tancharoen & Jed Whedon) by Joss Whedon, from the Much Ado About Nothing Original Score

Unfinished Masterpieces

The Sagrada Familia is a world-famous catholic church in Barcelona that begun construction in 1882. After 131 years, it is still unfinished. Antoni Gaudi, the original architect on the project died 87 years ago. In his lifetime, he took his time perfecting his plan, stating "my client is not in a hurry." That now seems like an understatement. The Met's website has reported that it is expected to be completed in 2026, as well as linking an accompanying video showing a projection of what it is expected to look like upon completion.

The first time I ever registered the story of the Sagrada Familia was in April. I watch a lot of slam poetry, and one of the poems referenced the church. The poem is titled 'Legos (Unfinished Masterpieces)'.

I've said before how I make mix cds for people as birthday presents or presents in general. Sometimes, I put slam poems as the last track. For Matt's birthday in June, I gave him a mix cd with the poem on it. I never got his feedback on it, but I feel it was a fitting choice.

The poem is performed by two people, Bobby Crawford and Kieran Collier. It goes without needing to be said that the performance is intense. That's kind of the point. But at times, these boys are screaming, using voices that are no longer theirs. They have found a comfortable place and made it a minefield. The poem is a constant roller-coaster, going from poetic to contemplative to madman to soft-spoken.

The poem itself is slightly comedic, telling the story almost from a child's perspective of how serious building legos are. This is a running theme, obviously. It goes on to mention Mozart's unfinished symphonies, the Sagrada Familia and how Antoni never lived to see it finished. Our one dollar bill has an unfinished portrait of George Washington on the front and on the back, a pyramid that died in construction. "We carry incomplete manuscripts in our wallets." Near the end, they acknowledge their pride at being able to create a single poem, when all of these things have gone undone.

It ends on a note of consideration. Throughout the poem, going back to the point of it being a child's perspective, there are consistent situations where family members get in the way. Members of the families keep stepping on their childhood masterpieces, but "please don't step on my dreams." This theme grows larger as the poem goes until the end.

"Every cathedral is an unrealized metaphor. Every construction is an unfinished masterpiece. Every creation is an unbelievable accomplishment.  Please, be careful where you step."

Amanda Palmer to Neil Gaiman to Maurice Sendak

Over the summer, Amanda Palmer put out a blog post about her husband, Neil Gaiman's new book. The blog post was emotional. It discussed the artistic process and how it works individually for everyone. She uses this metaphor that every artist's processes are a blender, different artists just have it on different settings.

For example, Amanda keeps hers around a 2-3 (closer to reality) while Neil is an 8-9 (dwelling deep in fantasy and mystique). I think I'm all over the place, although I do tend to stay on the lower end of the scale. Amanda said that in this book, Neil turned his blender much lower than his usual, making it a challenge.

The book was fantastic. A week or two after I read the blog post, I went to my local library to take it out. This was in July, and the waiting list was so long I didn't get it until mid-September.

Now, I don't want to give anything away. It's a book about a man who went back to a place from his childhood and relives one of his childhood memories, in the most literal terms. This book has earned it's spot on my christmas list, because I know I'm going to need my own copy in the future. But that's not what I need to talk about.

The quote used as an introduction to the book is a Maurice Sendak (author of Where the Wild Things Are) quote from 1993. "I remember my own childhood vividly... I knew terrible things. But I knew I mustn't let adults know I knew. It would scare them." When I read this at the beginning of the book, I understood it personally, but didn't take it all that seriously. Over the past year, I've only started vaguely informing my parents of some of my darker-toned memories. After reading the book, I truly understand why this was a perfect fit to start out the book. The entire book is about memory and it's inconsistencies.

Sometimes I sit and just ponder how I've made it this far in life, in my head, knowing all of the things I've known. Seeing all the things I've seen, hearing... you get the point. I spent a long time self-pitying, and I still haven't quite found a spot where I can tell the truth about a lot of my childhood without my emotions getting in the way. I'm an emotional person, sue me. My parents are great people, and I've gotten to the point where I'm scared of talking about what has happened because sixteen years is a long time, enough for a lot of mistakes.

I remember my childhood vividly. I remember my brother's crib and climbing and embarrassment. I was a very self-conscious child. I knew terrible things. I remember the fighting and my sister cutting open her eyelid and my great-aunt being taken away in an ambulance. I don't like telling adults, because I wasn't supposed to remember. No one wants their kids to remember. But I've realized: it's kind of inevitable.

I am not Happy right now.

I am angry.

The government shutdown after everything that has gone on over the past year politically has gotten to me.

My biggest issue is the criticism President Obama faces from the Tea Party and many Republicans. The fact that every year, each party seems to become more and more polarized is upsetting and frustrating.       

When President Obama threatened to go into Syria, he received flack from all kinds of people, especially conservatives. Okay. That's their opinion.

But when we came to a peaceful resolution as opposed to a military strike, they had to take up issues with that as well! Even though they didn't want to go into Syria in the first place, now that they weren't, all they could talk about was how now Obama was "weak" and "a liar" who "cannot safely govern the American public".

Now, the budget.

The entire budget situation makes me, in plainest terms, upset.

It's hard for me to see and know how many people are going to be furloughed and/or out of work and not feel immediately terrible for those losing income which could threaten their livelihood. Every week that the government doesn't come to a conclusion, the economy suffers from a billion dollars not being in active circulation. We could go into another recession.

This entire problem is based in how the Congress (dominated by Republicans) won't pass the budget because they refuse to accept the Affordable Care Act, which, still went into effect despite the shutdown because it is separate in a way I don't fully understand. The ACA has been in law since 2010. The Supreme Court has upheld it's verdict that the act is constitutional. I can't help but pull my hair out because this is all so ridiculous and pointless.

When I get older, I currently plan on being a writer and a social worker. Those are two of the lowest paying jobs in the country. I would probably benefit from the ACA rather than be faulted.

From my father's point of view, it would only hurt him. In a few years, he's going to need to get his pacemaker replaced, and there will be a tax implemented on him if he doesn't do it in a timely manner. My dad is also still convinced I'll turn out to be a Journalist for the NYT, no matter how many times I correct him.

I side with the act. I side with taxation that would make the country better as a whole. I'm a socialist, sometimes even communistic, I'll admit it. I'm an idealist, and I don't plan on losing that for anyone.

When we had to write on cards in the four person groups saying what project we'd want to do, there was an immediate feeling of failure going around before we'd even begun! I kept having to reiterate that we had to brainstorm under the impression that our idea would prevail.

Many Republicans are expecting the act to fail to the point where they don't even find trying a viable option. That isn't what America is about.

Tomorrow, the spirit week theme is 'America'. I'm not feeling all that spirited right now.