I don't like thinking about myself. I feel like a pompous jackass when I do. I feel like other people are more important than myself and therefore I am more invested in other people's well-beings than my own.
This needs to stop.
I have to care about myself, right? I should be more focused about my wants and needs than those of others that I have never met and probably never will. This is why I can't watch game shows.
I get so invested in these people coming back every week with the real chance that they will be voted off at any moment. I don't understand how others just look at these people on the screen and don't acknowledge or realize that those are real people, that whatever chance they're taking in that moment could make or break their life/career/etcetera.
I need to find a middle ground. One where I can seriously commit to my own well being while still caring deeply for everyone around me. I feel like a goddamn mother hen sometimes, while at the same time, her baby chick. Sometimes I really hate being a Six.
In other news, I'm absolutely petrified of talking about my work on Friday. Don't be surprised if I'm not in school because of being hospitalized for stress ulcers which at this point, I am 76% positive I have or will have at some point in my life.
It's not only the fact that I stumble over my words and have almost crippling social anxiety, it's that I just restarted one of the plays today because I realized that I can't write zombie apocalypse plays without ripping my hair out, so now the main character has cotard's delusion and that's all I'm going to say on that matter. And I might go back to my original idea because I still have too much hair on my head and it was pretty cool to write, albeit quite hard. It has also made me realize that I have a strange obsession with mental disease. And serial killers. But that can be saved for another blog post, because that is such a tangent that I cannot justify including in this.
3 comments:
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first. Making other people happy isn't going to always make you happy. You also can't ignore yourself to attend to someone else. There's a good middle ground to be found, but being a high schooler, you have plenty of time to figure out exactly where that is for you. Right now, take deep breaths and take life one day at a time, and remember to enjoy.
You have to come in Friday. You don't have to speak in front of the class, or even speak to your community, you can just sit there like a lump with a lot of hair, but you have to come in. Next year we'll deal more with the talking bit; this year we'll deal with showing up, ok?
Funny, you're writing about zombies and in some ways they're functioning as a metaphor for you. Zombies are dead, perhaps wanting life, and you're involved in other people's lives to the detriment of your own by watching game shows. Funny how things work, huh?
L
I know exactly how you feel about feeling others are more important than yourself... and about being very upset with others taking priority over your own well being. At least you know it has to stop, that's the first step.
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