My little brother is in the Seventh Grade, and he is one of my favorite people on the planet. He is such a thoughtful, sweet and overall caring kid and I just love him so much. But when my brother doesn't get what he wants, he becomes disrespectful and begs. Where does he get off, cursing at my father for taking away his xbox while simultaneously begging my mother to give it back. The thing is, while he was begging my mom, he was saying things along the lines of 'You don't love me or else you would get it back for me'.
That's a normal thing kids say, right? I don't think I've ever said 'you don't love me or else you would ______ for me'. It just sounds like it would really hurt, so why would I say it? I've recently realized that I'm a really sensitive person. Well, I've always known, obviously. But I mentally spent the majority of Middle School giving myself callouses in order to toughen up my emotional skin. Ugh, 'mentally'. I hate the negative connotations associated with that word. Like talking about mental health is inherently not healthy. But back to the matter at hand, I spent a long time thinking that if I buried the 'problem' deep enough, it would cease to exist. But I realized that I will ALWAYS be sensitive. And that kinda scared me. I mean, I'm not a COMPLETE wreck when it comes to how emotions affect me (although I have been known to put too much emotional significance into shitty pop tunes and have succumbed to tearing up to some dance tunes that in my head are as hard hitting as Angels by Sarah McLachlan ie. Ne-Yo, Karmin), but it makes explaining my feelings more difficult. I already have an aversion to talking about myself. When I was reading Julian's blog post and he said he didn't know what I would feel comfortable with him disclosing, I kind of hoped he would say those things pertaining to me. Yeah, so I'm gay. And don't get me wrong, I am for the most part comfortable in it. We dated twice, and it was the reason we broke up the second time. But talking about it just puts me off. Talking about me makes me uncomfortable. Because of my sensitivity to emotion, sometimes it can saturate my thoughts towards things to the point where they are hard to vocally express.
Lying and not knowing are two completely different things. But sometimes I feel that people think I'm lying about how I feel when in reality I don't know how to put it into words, and that fact that I am quick to brush off my own emotions doesn't help the situation. I feel like I have hurt quite a few of my friends because of this. They ask what's wrong, and I don't know what to say. I spend a significant portion of my day trying to excavate and decode these ancient scriptures of myself and in the end, all I get is... a bit more confusion. Sure, I know how I feel about a bunch of things, I've spent my entire life cultivating opinions! But the reflective proper noun of myself is still mysterious. And no matter how much time I throw into trying to understand myself fully, I will never have words to express everything. And that doesn't mean I'm going to stop. It just means I know I'm leading my way through the desert for forty years in search on an Eden that isn't there. And I guess knowing what I'm getting myself into makes it better?
My mom is actually currently upset with me because I can't explain how I feel about things. And I don't understand how she is angrier at me compared to my brother, when I'm being quiet and he's spouting expletives? I have been told that I was an expressive child. Now, I don't remember this, but I remember feeling uncomfortable in my own skin as a five-year-old. So I prefer being quiet, I prefer having the ability to put my thoughts out through this medium rather than vocally. I like being able to choose the order and the shape my thoughts take such that they sound at least mildly competent.
I remember, last year, Luke said something about Escape. And I've recently started to rely on it. I've begun throwing myself back into music with an intense need that I haven't experienced in years. I need to get out of my head, and music has always been my first choice. But it's more than that. Now, since I've realized how much time I spend stuck in my head, I'm trying to find a creative outlet. And being sensitive leads music to completely control my mood. So if I'm freaking out about something, putting on music of a different emotion can completely compose me. No matter how much I want to get out of my head, I'm only ever going to be me. But I'm taking some control back. Sure, even I find it kind of unorthodox and even semi-unhealthy. But I don't have some mechanical way to fix myself, and I'm not asking anyone to try to find a way because I'm starting to be happy again.
I am not a Robot.
1 comment:
This is a lot of ideas. Now, I will admit I find your writing really hard to follow. And I think we have to work on that because I don't think it's me. I mean this not as criticism of a personal nature, but rather as an observation of mechanics: it's a good car, and it is/will be quite valuable, but we must get it running correctly. SO... with your cooperation this is the direction in which we will proceed. I will ponder an approach to this.
Post a Comment