My aunt died on Thursday night. We weren't close. I don't know what is okay to write on here anymore because it's not like anything I've ever written on here was exactly kosher. Especially about such negative topics like death and my intricate relationship with it.
I spend a lot of time not talking, and I feel like when I do, it's meaningless. I was talking to my mom today and I realized that I didn't recognize my own voice. I'm fine, Mom, I swear. I'll talk about it when I'm ready. I've said these things so many times in the past few months and yet they still aren't comfortable on my tongue. I found this great poem today by Phil Kaye that I can really relate to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EILQTDBqhPA
The conversations that I enjoy the most are over the web or text because I can choose how I want to present myself, while in real life, I'm a mess (in my so holy opinion). I've been saying this for so long and I still feel the compulsory need to reiterate it in every freaking blog post. I talk to Emily and I talk to Ellen and I talk to my therapist and I talk to my dog. I still can't believe myself when I say it out loud. I'm fine. I'll be fine. Sooner or later. Writing them down, they sound safe, like little promises I can keep on a keychain. I sent Julian an angry text a few days ago after he thanked me for being a good friend. I couldn't take being praised for doing something I thought was common courtesy. My favorite poem I've ever read is by Richard Siken, and it's called Litany in which Certain Things are Crossed Out. I have pieces of it memorized. In his collection, which I own if anyone would like to borrow it, this poem is either five or seven pages long. On the last page, he says 'I want more seats reserved for heroes'. I used to think that line was so cliché, something I've read a million times and has lost it's meaning. Repetition kills meaning, and all of that. But now I understand why it's been said so many times. I'm just a regular person doing human things. When I do something nice for my friends, I don't do it for something in return. Well, most of the time. I love my friends. Love, how mundane is that? But it's true. I love them and I do things for them because they deserve it. I don't tell them often enough, because I can't believe it out loud. I love you guys. I hope you love me back.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
I like Music and sometimes I get Angry.
I was in the midst of a conversation with Julian, Danny, Emily and Ellen on facebook when I realized the root of my issue with Music-Shaming. Music-Shaming is making someone feel bad, like less of a person or just generally demeaning them because of what type of music they like. I absolutely detest it.
Part of my distaste for it, is that I used to be an adament believer in it. Feeling like a better person because of my taste in music made me feel better about myself all around. I couldn't and can't change who I am as a person, the shape of my eyes, the shade of my skin. But I could choose my interests. I let it define me.
That isn't how people work. The measure of a man is not their interests or their image, it's how they interact with others.
That's the point I'm trying to make. The reason I intensely dislike music-shaming is because of the disrespect it affords to others. The most important thing to me in my life is the relationships I share with others. And putting someone down for something they enjoy isn't someone I'd want to identify as. People have the right their own opinions, and I'd hate for someone to disregard mine as less worthy. I think I'm allowed to like Guns N' Roses and Rita Ora and La Dispute and Brand New and Mayday Parade and Belle & Sebastian and Ed Sheeran and Bright Eyes and the freaking Smiths.
That isn't me thinking my music is better than someone else's. That's me being proud that I can sit here and not worry about what someone else thinks about my personal preferences. I would have never admitted this a year or two ago, but I wouldn't have been able to do this at that point in my life, talk about the things I love without regret. Music I refer to as my guilty pleasures, like One Direction or Taylor Swift give me a euphoria that other music doesn't. Sure, a lot of it's repetitive and honestly ridiculous, but it works for me. I need them for different reasons. And I know a lot of other people have the same feelings about different things in their lives. People just don't like to talk about it. And I'm not asking them to. I guess this is just a public service announcement. Next time you feel like making fun of someone for something as menial as liking Justin Beiber of all things, remember how absolutely meaningless that is. How meaningless it all is. And how you're the only person who can make things matter to you and those around you. Do you really want to be that person?
Part of my distaste for it, is that I used to be an adament believer in it. Feeling like a better person because of my taste in music made me feel better about myself all around. I couldn't and can't change who I am as a person, the shape of my eyes, the shade of my skin. But I could choose my interests. I let it define me.
That isn't how people work. The measure of a man is not their interests or their image, it's how they interact with others.
That's the point I'm trying to make. The reason I intensely dislike music-shaming is because of the disrespect it affords to others. The most important thing to me in my life is the relationships I share with others. And putting someone down for something they enjoy isn't someone I'd want to identify as. People have the right their own opinions, and I'd hate for someone to disregard mine as less worthy. I think I'm allowed to like Guns N' Roses and Rita Ora and La Dispute and Brand New and Mayday Parade and Belle & Sebastian and Ed Sheeran and Bright Eyes and the freaking Smiths.
That isn't me thinking my music is better than someone else's. That's me being proud that I can sit here and not worry about what someone else thinks about my personal preferences. I would have never admitted this a year or two ago, but I wouldn't have been able to do this at that point in my life, talk about the things I love without regret. Music I refer to as my guilty pleasures, like One Direction or Taylor Swift give me a euphoria that other music doesn't. Sure, a lot of it's repetitive and honestly ridiculous, but it works for me. I need them for different reasons. And I know a lot of other people have the same feelings about different things in their lives. People just don't like to talk about it. And I'm not asking them to. I guess this is just a public service announcement. Next time you feel like making fun of someone for something as menial as liking Justin Beiber of all things, remember how absolutely meaningless that is. How meaningless it all is. And how you're the only person who can make things matter to you and those around you. Do you really want to be that person?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Moving With or Moving Over? How about neither and I'll see you next Summer.
I've been a real downer recently, haven't I? I realized that on New Years. I was talking to friends and listening to conversations and seeing how easily the people around me take turns for the worst in conversations. Things that irritate them, people they won't forgive, and work they don't like.
Last week I would have been quick to join in, to add my two cents and share misery. I don't want to do that anymore. What's the point! Sitting around, basking in the infamy of your misfortune does nothing for you nor the people around you. It personally made me uncomfortable, seeing how quickly and openly these topics were discussed. It does nothing but bring the mood of the room down. Stuck there, watching the people I purposefully surround myself with set themselves aflame, I buried myself in my head. I didn't want to be poached by the misleading sparks in their eyes, because they were enjoying it.
When I got home, I was in a bad mood nonetheless and my mom could feel it. After peeling back my layers, we talked about it, and I went to bed, not feeling any better but not feeling any worse. In bed, I got a text asking me how I was. Someone I have distanced myself from was also in attendance at the party and a friend wanted to know how I was feeling in regards to the persons attendance. That's how I knew for good I was done with being negative.
It doesn't matter if I don't particularly get along with someone, staying away from them is all I have to do. I don't want to have to discuss over and over again my feelings about them because it does nothing but bring all the hurt feelings back. I don't want to relive that, and I don't understand why people are so willing to do just that.
Be conscious of the fact that I used gender neutral pronouns and no distinguishing characteristics for the people mentioned because talking about specific people is rude and hurtful. I don't want people not involved to be brought into something purely negative. I know there's a chance of people involved knowing what I'm talking about, and I especially want them to know that I needed to say this, to get it out of my system. And that in no way am I trying to blame them or make them feel bad for previous actions. Specifically, I want to say, "I'm not mad anymore."
I don't want to start anymore drama. I swear, I am so unbelievably sick of it.
Can't we all just try to be happy for once? Even when I'm upset I want nothing more than to positive again. I don't understand how someone can be content in that state.
Last week I would have been quick to join in, to add my two cents and share misery. I don't want to do that anymore. What's the point! Sitting around, basking in the infamy of your misfortune does nothing for you nor the people around you. It personally made me uncomfortable, seeing how quickly and openly these topics were discussed. It does nothing but bring the mood of the room down. Stuck there, watching the people I purposefully surround myself with set themselves aflame, I buried myself in my head. I didn't want to be poached by the misleading sparks in their eyes, because they were enjoying it.
When I got home, I was in a bad mood nonetheless and my mom could feel it. After peeling back my layers, we talked about it, and I went to bed, not feeling any better but not feeling any worse. In bed, I got a text asking me how I was. Someone I have distanced myself from was also in attendance at the party and a friend wanted to know how I was feeling in regards to the persons attendance. That's how I knew for good I was done with being negative.
It doesn't matter if I don't particularly get along with someone, staying away from them is all I have to do. I don't want to have to discuss over and over again my feelings about them because it does nothing but bring all the hurt feelings back. I don't want to relive that, and I don't understand why people are so willing to do just that.
Be conscious of the fact that I used gender neutral pronouns and no distinguishing characteristics for the people mentioned because talking about specific people is rude and hurtful. I don't want people not involved to be brought into something purely negative. I know there's a chance of people involved knowing what I'm talking about, and I especially want them to know that I needed to say this, to get it out of my system. And that in no way am I trying to blame them or make them feel bad for previous actions. Specifically, I want to say, "I'm not mad anymore."
I don't want to start anymore drama. I swear, I am so unbelievably sick of it.
Can't we all just try to be happy for once? Even when I'm upset I want nothing more than to positive again. I don't understand how someone can be content in that state.
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