I've been a real downer recently, haven't I? I realized that on New Years. I was talking to friends and listening to conversations and seeing how easily the people around me take turns for the worst in conversations. Things that irritate them, people they won't forgive, and work they don't like.
Last week I would have been quick to join in, to add my two cents and share misery. I don't want to do that anymore. What's the point! Sitting around, basking in the infamy of your misfortune does nothing for you nor the people around you. It personally made me uncomfortable, seeing how quickly and openly these topics were discussed. It does nothing but bring the mood of the room down. Stuck there, watching the people I purposefully surround myself with set themselves aflame, I buried myself in my head. I didn't want to be poached by the misleading sparks in their eyes, because they were enjoying it.
When I got home, I was in a bad mood nonetheless and my mom could feel it. After peeling back my layers, we talked about it, and I went to bed, not feeling any better but not feeling any worse. In bed, I got a text asking me how I was. Someone I have distanced myself from was also in attendance at the party and a friend wanted to know how I was feeling in regards to the persons attendance. That's how I knew for good I was done with being negative.
It doesn't matter if I don't particularly get along with someone, staying away from them is all I have to do. I don't want to have to discuss over and over again my feelings about them because it does nothing but bring all the hurt feelings back. I don't want to relive that, and I don't understand why people are so willing to do just that.
Be conscious of the fact that I used gender neutral pronouns and no distinguishing characteristics for the people mentioned because talking about specific people is rude and hurtful. I don't want people not involved to be brought into something purely negative. I know there's a chance of people involved knowing what I'm talking about, and I especially want them to know that I needed to say this, to get it out of my system. And that in no way am I trying to blame them or make them feel bad for previous actions. Specifically, I want to say, "I'm not mad anymore."
I don't want to start anymore drama. I swear, I am so unbelievably sick of it.
Can't we all just try to be happy for once? Even when I'm upset I want nothing more than to positive again. I don't understand how someone can be content in that state.
1 comment:
"I didn't want to be poached by the misleading sparks in their eyes,"
Lovely bit of prose, that is.
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