A Group Effort at Self-Improvement

Over the summer, I saw a short comedy special by a comedian named Mae Martin on this fantastic comedy show called "Russell Howard's Good News". She began the last part of her bit with something along the lines of "Not to be a downer, but I think the world is ending." While I don't think the world is ending, I am a bit worried.

Ellen came over around noon today, and we spent about eight hours together. The first two hours were spent conversing one-on-one on my couch, talking about everything from what's been going on in her life, in my life, our friend group and finally, STAC.

When I say I'm worried, it's more of an underlying current on my mind that shocks me every once in a while, but it's still there. Right now, with STAC night coming up, it's hard to know how it's going to go personally because I don't think a lot of us know how each other's projects are going. And I'm worried even now about coming across as judgmental or disrespectful or even starting a bad chain of thoughts, when really it's like I almost need some kind of reassurance.

A lot of it is also a fear of how the present will affect the future. I realized we don't have a band together for STAC night yet, and that lack, not yet loss of tradition is just a bit disheartening. After no STACsgiving already this year, I'm worried we'll let it slide again next year. Once you stop doing something, it's hard to get it started again. Trust me.

I was telling Ellen how I want to have strong upperclassmen next year as well. We both agree we want stuff done next year, instead of loose ideas and constant second-guessing which I've seen first-hand. I want our seniors and us as juniors to set a strong standard of completion and pride in our work. Not to ever knock anyone for how things have been handled, but I want to be better. Last year, I felt like I saw the seniors acting and Ilana's poetry and the art and the music going on around me. It was a bit overwhelming, more intimidating. Looking back, it was great to be surrounded and immersed in. Maybe I'm romanticizing. I digress.

I honestly and completely don't think it's any one person's fault. For anything that's gone on this year, even. I hate placing fault on people. I like fixing things and moving forward (I get it from my dad). The main reason I'm posting this is because I want something to force me to be better next year, for people to be able to throw this at me if I'm not getting stuff done or if things start getting tough. I want to be held accountable. I think personal accountability is a big part of being an adult and deserving respect from others. I guess you could say I'm trying to make it a habit. Making being an adult a part time job.