"I Need An Adult"

Over the summer, I have grown to strongly dislike the last post I’ve made on this blog. Since then, I’ve made three other drafted posts that I never posted mostly because they were all so strong. One was a pretty depressing look back on the past year, one was a crib notes on me for newbies, and one was about my expectations for the year. I’m going to try to summarize all of them now, as positively as I can, and only part of wanting to do this is to put off finishing my English essay. Let’s go.

Last year I was a depressing little brat who didn’t get a lot done and felt really bad about it. Done.

I suppose the most important thing that newbies need to know about me is that I don’t take bull and show my love through hitting my friends upside the head and using a lot of pet names. Some of them don’t sound very nice but I’m already kinda overemotional so I need to cut back in some places. I love the people around me and this program even very deeply and am loyal to the end.

I think that’s enough.

As an upper classman, this year I want to seriously take charge in making us as a unit more tight-knit and trusting of one another. I don’t want a repeat of last year (I doubt anyone does) and I am more that seriously willing to make a change. While I don’t want to put Luke in a position where he has to be a Nazi dictator, I want the upper classman to support him and if we have any problems then to try to discuss them dispute-free and privately instead of making them a public problem. I made all of my personal problems very personal last year and it’s never a good idea. I want this to be a respectful community of intelligent people who can handle things maturely. I want to lead by example and be a better person. Now, for my personal artistic growth in STAC.

I was talking to Ellen and she was saying that when an type five (enneagram talk) is unhealthy, they act like a seven. While I’m still pretty sure that five is my wing and not my dominant feature, I know that I’m not being myself, and while I want to fix it I’m also willing to try out the new skin first. I’m willing to try almost anything. While I love writing, I feel like I need a break. I’d be willing to spend more time on art or even (eek!) acting. I took quite a few pictures (150+) on a trip I took with Emily that I mildly obsessed over editing-wise on this fabulous app from Hipstamatic called ‘oggl’ that I highly recommend. Basically, I’m open to suggestions for this year.

Now, I’ve started thinking about the future. As my friends know, from the experience of me squeaking and squealing every time the subject is brought up, the future scares me. I’ve looked into colleges that I’m really set on, the only downside being they’re far away and, as college tends to be, expensive. Setting that aside for the moment, it’s important to say that the things I want to do with my life are rather varied. I know I’d love to take classes on European History and try out Slam Poetry and Performance Art, but professions are iffy for me. I’d love to write, definitely. Stageplays or screenplays or poetry or short-form word art, I’m open. But I’m scared. I really am. I think I’d also like to go into Social Work, which really interests me and my favorite poet is a Social Worker, but I’m worried I’d be “selling out” as an artist if I were to go down that road.

Even further down that road, despite the foggier it gets, I know I want to adopt or at least foster inner-city kids over the age of eight up to kids in their teen years, almost legal. I want to be able to give these kids chances, and I have since I was five years old. Because of this, I worry I won’t make enough money to financially support these kids, which goes back to professions which STRESS ME OUT. I don’t even put a spouse into the equation because while I’m set that I will get hitched, I’m not about to expect their professions or anything and don’t want them to shoulder all the work. I try to do as much as I can in these situations. Mostly out of guilt.

I’m getting too personal again. Oh well. Luke, I look forward to a comment about my inevitable accidental self-centeredness which I enjoy in a masochistic way tomorrow. Everyone else, I love you, and let’s make this a great year.