Even If It Kills Me

I had never understood how people could feel like a song was describing their life until today.

While many of the juniors right now are struggling, I am probably in the best emotional and mental state of my life. Things that should be mentioned: 1, I was an unhappy child, and 2, the fact that I am in this state terrifies me; I don't want it to stop but this is also unfamiliar territory.

Anyways, today I was listening to a song and it hit me that the lyrics were in the same state of mind that I am in.

This is the chorus:
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

And later:
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I wanna try
I feel helpless for the most part
But Im learning to open my eyes

The song is about someone who has been in a rut for a while. At first they tried to keep up, but then they let it slip and have been unhappy ever since. Now, the speaker is trying to get their life together, even though their not sure if it'll work. But the point is, as the song is named, they will try "Even if it Kills Me". It's by Motion City Soundtrack.

Update: Values

I’m still thinking about core values.

I think that in fact, my values are control, ability, and status. I think respect is a mix of status and ability. Status just sounds a bit more pretentious, so I think I was embarrassed to use it.

Some other cool mixes I thought of that work for me:
Control + Ability = Protection, Perfection, Productivity
Control + Status = Power, Comfort, Escapism,
Status + Ability = Confidence, Comfort as well?

My hardest one to figure out is family/relationships. I thought they stemmed from respect, but I can’t figure out how to fit it into one of the roots. If anything, the only explanation is that it might just come from ability.

Status

Doing all of these posts so close together has really streamlined my blog titles. Some of the titles I've looked back on from Freshman and Sophmore year were much more creative, but I have to look into every post to see what they were about.

Doing the koans and values today was much easier than it has been over the last two years.
This year, my values are control, ability, and respect. Emily isn't very convinced by my respect argument, but I can only talk so much. I also realized that manipulation, which isn't exactly a value of mine but a habit, stems from control and ability. I like tricking people into doing what I want. I thought helping people might've been one of my core values but i think it might actually fall under ability and respect. I think my koan might be "why can't people do what I want them to?"

After school, I was talking to Emily and she told me that when we were looking at each other in the exercise, she saw that I was high status. I feel that my status is a very complicated matter. I was high status as a child, and by nature, but I became very self-conscious and forced myself into a low status mindset. I've been in this mindset since kindergarten.

I only came to terms with this over the summer. Around the time in my life where I taught myself submission, I realized how controlling I was and refused to ever be in charge of things. I changed these things about myself, buried them deep, and never wanted to be an open book for anybody. I think it's important to say that it was around this time that my nervous habits started: biting my nails, picking at my skin, trichotillomania.

Again, I only came to terms with this recently. My way of dealing with not being controlling was to be incredibly indecisive, and now I'm in a position where I'm trying to ease myself back into my nature. I'm scared that with my friends, if I were to start being higher status, they would stop liking me because my personality would shift. My family knows me as a more confident, in charge person. Not many people outside of it do.

Sufjan Stevens and the 50 States Project

I am 94% sure that Sufjan Stevens is my favorite musician. Of all musicians. And that was a bit hard for me to accept because I listen to such a plethora of music that I've always deemed it impossible to pick a favorite.

A couple of years ago, he came out with an album, Michigan, which I plan on getting for Christmas because I've only heard one song off of it and I have that much faith in him. He then made a statement that he was going to start the 50 States Project where he'd put out an entire concept album for every state. His second album in the series, Come and Feel the Illinoise! is my favorite of his albums. Songs like the Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us! and John Wayne Gacy, Jr. and Casimir Pulaski Day can wreck me emotionally. His most famous song, Chicago, is gorgeous and somehow appeals to a mainstream audience. The tour he went on for the album included a small orchestra and an intricate stage while he and all of the musicians involved wore wings. The album had so many demos that he wished he could put on the album that he made a separate album for the outtakes.

After Illinois, it is disputed whether he decided it would be too difficult to put out FIFTY CONCEPT ALBUMS or that the entire time the project was a joke.

Right now, I've had his song Christmas Unicorn stuck in my head for the whole weekend. He has two (x) (x) dual-part christmas albums out with exactly 100 songs in all. In these albums, he doesn't usually use the expected, classic christmas songs but instead writes his own. If he does the classic songs, he changes them drastically. Not for these christmas albums, but for the presidential election last year he released a version of the Star Spangled Banner that is close to unrecognizable.

Either way, I feel like he's one of the most intelligent, genius lyricists and all out musicians of this generation.

Shakespeare Workshop

I was given the choice between the Shakespeare Workshop and the Playwriting Workshop. I chose Shakespeare, and while it was definitely interesting, I want to walk you through my reasoning because it might not have seemed reasonable.

When I was asked, I immediately weighed my options. With the Shakespeare workshop, I could learn more about acting and actors limits and how to talk to them to get a better performance. In basic terms, I wanted to see the stage from another point of view. Also, I had already picked out my sonnet, #CXXI (121).

I put that up against the playwriting and what I would get out of it. I feel like I might actually be the most versed in playwriting in STAC currently, and I even made a post awhile back on why other people should get into it. It might've looked bad to not take the workshop. Also, the head of the workshop is really good, and I could've learned a lot. I chose the Shakespeare, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could've taken the playwriting and I've even gotten to points where I regret my decision because of how much I could've gained. I wish I could have taken both.

But I have to remind myself that it isn't worth it to regret. I can only enjoy what I do from here forward. And it is a fun workshop. So it's not like I've drawn a significantly shorter straw.

Hate and its Counterparts

I do not use ‘hate’ lightly. I find it tasteless and only desensitizes people from how serious an accusation that is. Hate is a raw word, that we have turned into a basic term to the point we have to use words like ‘detest’ to get across the true meaning of the original word.

That being said, I find it disgusting when people say that something or someone they don’t like isn’t talented. I hate it.

I’m cool with when someone says “it isn’t my taste” or “the talent(s) shown here aren’t something I appreciate due to who I am as a person”. But for some reason, people want to blame the product rather than just say it isn’t for them.

I have been around plenty of people who don’t like pop music. And I think “good for them, they have their own opinions and I can respect them”. But some people feel it necessary to slam pop music. I used to be one of them, but I’m not anymore and I see the error in my ways. For some people, pop music is what they love, and who am I to say that it’s a talentless medium and that the artists who have put so much into it themselves are useless? I just saw the video of Eminem live at the Youtube Music Awards and it was mesmerizing. Halfway through, though, I remembered how many people I know who don’t like rap music and back up their opinions with ‘it sucks’. To you, it does. But to some people, it is the best thing since sliced bread and you have no right to make a blanket statement that you expect everyone to go along with like that.

The thing I have to back up most with this argument is fanfiction. Personally, I love fanfiction. I follow a large community of people who love fanfiction online. When I tell people that I love fanfiction, they want me to back it up. Okay, sure. But people have this preconception that they hate it, and I think the main reason is because they think it’s poorly written internet garble by whiny teenage girls, which, it is not. One of my favorite books, the Devil’s Mixtape by Mary Borsellini was originally an ebook. In it is my favorite quote on how people treat teenage girls, and I think it’s spot on.

“As soon as teenage girls start to profess love for something, everyone else becomes totally dismissive of it. Teenage girls are open season for the cruelest bullying that our society can dream up. Everyone's vicious to them. They're vicious to each other. Hell, they're even vicious to themselves. It's terrible. 
So if teenage girls have something that they love, isn't that a good thing? Isn't it better for them to find some words they believe in, words like the 'fire-proof and fearless' lyrics that Jacqui wrote? Isn't it better for them to put those words on their arm in a tattoo than for them to cut gashes in that same skin? Shouldn't we be grateful when teenage girls love our work? Shouldn't that be a fucking honor? 
It's used as the cheapest, easiest test of crap, isn't it? If teenage girls love a movie, a book, a band, then it's immediately classified as mediocre shit. Well, I'm not going to stand for that. Someone needs to treat them like they're precious, and if nobody else is ready to step up, I guess it's up to us to put them on the path to recognizing that about themselves.”

People think that since a lot of fanfiction is written and read by teenage girls that it must be garbage. But some of the best writing I’ve read in the past year has been fanfiction. I think a lot of these teenage fanfiction writers are so scared to show people their talent because of the ridicule usually placed on them that they stop trying. But putting it on the internet for people with similar interests helps build up that confidence.

While I’ve never written nor published fanfiction, I felt that way when I put up my portfolio blog. I am super proud of it and I want people to read it. I didn’t expect to feel that way. Now, I want to shake people and tell them “Look at my work! Look at what I’m proud of! Be proud of me!” I feel much more confident in my writing in general now, and it’s amazing. I’m even considering putting as short story I wrote for Creative Writing on there because I’m so proud of it, and I want to show it to people. I’m just not sure that since it wasn’t written for STAC and was written for a class if that’s okay. An answer would be nice. Thank you.

As A Writer

I have many role models. They range from writers to musicians to teenage bloggers to dead revolutionaries. Some are real and some are fictional.

I latch on to these people. With real people, sometimes their happiness can sometimes dictate my own. I live vicariously through these people.

I think that’s what most writers do. We live vicariously through our characters in order to feel accomplished or even alive, whatever you’d prefer to call it. Recently I wrote a short story where one of the characters had been shot and I felt it. I felt this thing sitting restlessly in my gut. I have to be able to get into these character’s heads in order to know their actions and what they’d say, but to do that I have to lose a bit of myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think every writer puts a bit of themselves into their characters. It’s impossible not to. But I definitely try to not make it the same part. Everyone has millions of facets swimming around in their bodies, little quirks that separate us. That separate ourselves into different pieces on the inside. As an artist, I don’t want to make the same thing over and over again. While I use a lot of the same themes and have a style that is hopefully my own, I don’t want to be a one trick pony. I have to convince myself that I’m not, or else I wouldn’t be able to write anymore.

The Social Network.

My favorite movie ever is Twilight The Social Network. I love everything about it. I feel like the casting was spot on, the acting spectacular, the score gorgeous, and I can rewatch it over and over. David Fincher is an amazing director. But I think my favorite thing about it is the script. I haven’t seen nearly enough of Aaron Sorkin’s work (this is the only thing I’ve seen, I’m open to suggestions, and I plan to see the West Wing by the end of the year) but this movie makes me want to take in everything he’s ever done.

For anyone who doesn’t know, the Social Network is based on the conception of Facebook. It received eight Academy Award nominations, won three of them, and won four Golden Globes. I feel like it deserved every single one.

I have trouble vocalizing my opinions constantly in person, but even online, having time to think and pick my words carefully, even though I first saw this movie three years ago and have watched it probably six or seven times since then, I’m still speechless. I think that says something. I can only praise it. I can only link my favorite scene to people as a clip on Youtube.

I need people to watch this movie and flip out about it as much as I do. I need someone to talk about it with me. I need someone to help me find the words so that I can finally express my pure awe about the shots and the inflections and that power brought to each scene by actors you wouldn’t expect, some having been absolute nobodies beforehand. This movie made me take Justin Timberlake seriously as an actor. This movie fueled my love for Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield, before the Spiderman craze. I need someone to be as crazy about this as me.

Salinger

A couple nights ago, I watched the Salinger documentary that came out a couple months ago and was recently released on Netflix. Now, I read The Catcher in the Rye a few months ago, and just rewatched Finding Forrester a week or two ago, so I was definitely in the right place to watch it. But I wasn’t expecting to learn as much as I did about him.

First of all, I can’t believe that I hadn’t at least read his Wikipedia page before going into it. I look everything up on there. I know way too much about Elizabeth Bathory and Delphine LaLaurie and some of the colleges I’m looking into. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s my system.

I didn’t know that he was in the army. I didn’t know that he was attracted to teenage girls. That definitely changed my opinion of him a bit to say the least. Now I was never one of the people in the documentary who identified heavily with Holden. I just wasn’t. I felt like I knew him, because he reminded me of one of my friends, but that was it. I understand how irritated he was by the fame and the christening of having written THE coming-of-age novel. I don’t understand why people were so personally offended that he pulled himself out of the spotlight, because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

My personal favorite young adult fiction writer, John Green, is having his latest book made into a movie. While it isn’t my favorite of his books, it is for a lot of other people. While this isn’t the main plot, one of the things that happens to the main character is that she gets to meet her idol, a famous reclusive writer who wrote a cult favorite book. And he was not what she expected at all. That happens a lot with famous people or those in the spotlight. People put them on a pedestal, and I don’t agree with that. I don’t think it’s right. I’m going to make another blog post on this, but when Luke asked us who our role models or people we aspire to be in our daily lives are, around ten people came to mind. The one that I’d probably get most ridiculed for is probably Harry Styles.

It isn’t because he’s a musician or because he’s famous, it’s because he honestly seems like a good person. Don’t believe in the hype. I honestly don’t believe the hype that he’s a womanizer or is going to leave the band etc. Because you have to look at what he does when no one’s watching. I’ve seen post upon post of things he’s done when no one was looking, and he honestly seems like a good kid. I’d want to be friends with him. Also, he dresses really well. But I digress.

I don’t think I could handle being friends with him, let alone meeting him. I’m a wimp, I know, but I know my limits and I know that if I wasn’t in a perfect state of mind I would regret everything said or done looking back.

Salinger was a person, not a statue, not an idol. And when people forget that, what can you expect?

The Zine

I’m not sure how to start this. I love the zine, I properly love it. I just wasn’t expecting to as bratty as that might sound.

Starting out with the project, it was originally just for the writers. While we didn’t have a lot done, we had a name and a theme that went along with Halloween. So, after I missed a day of school, I came in and suddenly everything was different. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me and I was immediately a bit unrightfully offended. Things change. But that was how I felt in that moment. That first day when I found out it was suddenly a group project and I went to write, I got nothing done. It wasn’t that I actively wasn’t doing it out of rebelliousness, but I’m not going to say that something wasn’t brewing under the surface that I wasn’t aware of until looking back.

The next time that we worked on it, I felt better about it. More comfortable. I let myself go and wrote some poetry that I ended up using in the Zine that I liked enough that I put it on my portfolio blog almost immediately.

My favorite part of the entire process was probably the putting together of it all. I love and feel proud that I was able to be the one putting it all together and in order. I felt like I had control in a way that I hadn’t felt since I wrote out that page of shots last year that, when I showed it to people, they were kinda floored by how much I loved the organization of it all.

I love having that kind of control. I’ve taken my entire library in my room down and reorganized it twice in the past six months, and I have over 200 books. I haven’t counted. In middle school, I used to clean other people’s lockers for them and when they’d try to pay me I’d never accept. Even if I found money in their lockers, I’d give it to them immediately. Now, I have trouble being personally organized, even though I just did a major cleaning of my room because Lex is having a party in three weeks. I feel a different kind of comfort in either situation, clean or messy. Right now I feel cleaner and more clear headed with the clean room, while when my room is messier I’m more artistic and think in a less conventional way.

Anyways, the Zine. Seeing the finished product, and having it now, I know I’m going to keep it for a long time. I still have the Metamorphosis playbill and the edition of OPUS that I was in from freshman year. I keep these kinds of memories. I need them.