Doing all of these posts so close together has really streamlined my blog titles. Some of the titles I've looked back on from Freshman and Sophmore year were much more creative, but I have to look into every post to see what they were about.
Doing the koans and values today was much easier than it has been over the last two years.
This year, my values are control, ability, and respect. Emily isn't very convinced by my respect argument, but I can only talk so much. I also realized that manipulation, which isn't exactly a value of mine but a habit, stems from control and ability. I like tricking people into doing what I want. I thought helping people might've been one of my core values but i think it might actually fall under ability and respect. I think my koan might be "why can't people do what I want them to?"
This year, my values are control, ability, and respect. Emily isn't very convinced by my respect argument, but I can only talk so much. I also realized that manipulation, which isn't exactly a value of mine but a habit, stems from control and ability. I like tricking people into doing what I want. I thought helping people might've been one of my core values but i think it might actually fall under ability and respect. I think my koan might be "why can't people do what I want them to?"
After school, I was talking to Emily and she told me that when we were looking at each other in the exercise, she saw that I was high status. I feel that my status is a very complicated matter. I was high status as a child, and by nature, but I became very self-conscious and forced myself into a low status mindset. I've been in this mindset since kindergarten.
I only came to terms with this over the summer. Around the time in my life where I taught myself submission, I realized how controlling I was and refused to ever be in charge of things. I changed these things about myself, buried them deep, and never wanted to be an open book for anybody. I think it's important to say that it was around this time that my nervous habits started: biting my nails, picking at my skin, trichotillomania.
Again, I only came to terms with this recently. My way of dealing with not being controlling was to be incredibly indecisive, and now I'm in a position where I'm trying to ease myself back into my nature. I'm scared that with my friends, if I were to start being higher status, they would stop liking me because my personality would shift. My family knows me as a more confident, in charge person. Not many people outside of it do.
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