Personal Post: Coffee Break

After having written this, I've realized this is more of a "diary" type post than a school post. But when have I ever really written the most school-centric/appropriate posts? Anyways, I've decided to post this mostly for personal value. Proceed with caution, if at all.



So, people have been telling me to watch the FOX comedy “New Girl” for months. Last night, I finally started it, and while I had much lower expectations I was pleasantly surprised. 

That’s not what I’m here to talk about though. I’m here to talk about potential.

In my more formative teen years (that sounds really pretentious, I just mean early teens), I always identified with underdogs. People who were dealt a poor hand and did what they could to right it. But as I've gotten older, I've realized how wrong I was and still am. I am not an underdog. I grew up with good enough parents in a good enough neighborhood and an above-par school, all while being told I was a natural. That I had intelligence that could get me anywhere.

I blew it.

In New Girl, there's a character named Nick who dropped out of law school and is now a bartender. In another one of my favorite shows, Shameless (which I'm behind on so I don't know what's happened between Season 2 Episode 10 and the most recent episode), one of my favorite characters is a boy named Philip (Lip) who, although he has grown up in the worse parts of Chicago, is incredibly intelligent but is throwing it away. 

Now, I'm not saying I'm anywhere near as impressive as these characters. But.

I grew up as an "impressive child". My teachers raved about me, I was in an advanced reading class for first graders, and I picked up any topic or concept we learned in class with ease. 

But I threw it away like an idiot. And I cannot stress how much I blame myself for it. I can recollect the minute I gave up on myself, and having the memory so crisp only makes it worse.

It was the Monday after the long weekend that usually accompanies the first week of school in September. It was the first day I'd had homework in the Middle School, and I'd forgotten to do it. In Elementary School, I don't think I missed a single homework in all of my years, except for the ones when I was out sick. But that scolding I got for missing the homework changed my life. I lost all faith in my abilities. It sounds so incredibly self-involved and "ego-of-glass"-like, but that's honest to god how I ended up the way I am.

The only reason I'm talking about this is because people still talk to me like they still have that faith in me. When I was talking about Lip from Shameless the other day, Emily said "that reminds me of someone I know" and after I gave her a confused look, she pointed at me. 

This is a list I found earlier in my notepad: 

i’m just another kid who gave up on their potential in favor of feeling sorry for themselves

it became easy to blame the system instead of my own incompetence or fear of inadequacy

i gave up on myself but expected other people to still see worth in me

like a dog that kicked itself but blamed the owner

For a long time I blamed others for who I was. I blamed "the system" for the homework I couldn't concentrate on, prided myself on still being able to get above average test grades in spite of it, and learned how to speak and what to say to disappointed teachers. I taught myself how to stop feeling when I disappointed myself. At least I thought I did.

So far, this year has been relatively good. My grades in comparison are exponentially better than what they used to be, and I attribute this mostly to a change in perspective. And I attribute the change in perspective to Mr. Coleman. 

He was one of the two teachers from Middle School that I feel really had faith in me, even after I messed up time after time. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. He was THE pivotal point in my life, which is so incomprehensible to me. If he hadn't come to the Elementary School a few months before school ended, I would have taken Italian instead of French. I'm not even Italian. I thought I was going to be a fashion designer. I wouldn't have been friends with ANY of the people I'm friends with now. I would have had different classes, had different experiences. I might have done my first ever homework in Middle School. I wouldn't have given up on myself. I'm 90% sure I wouldn't have tried out for STAC, and if I had, I probably wouldn't have gotten in. I never would have become who I am.

I'm a big believer in fate. I think everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for my failures, and because of that I cannot regret what I've done and instead can only learn from it.

I know this post has been too long since the fourth section, and I know that it doesn't really pertain to STAC, but it pertains to me. It is who I am. A few of the stories in here I've never told anybody, and I can't stand the idea that someday I might not remember them.
I'm starting to have more faith in myself. I feel really sick right now, but I refuse to let myself even think about not going to school tomorrow. A year ago, I wouldn't think twice about it and would just stay home. But in this moment, I know what I have to do and I plan on doing it. I guess this is growing up. Right now, I'm planning on taking AP courses next year. I keep getting told I'd be able to handle it, but I'm really scared. What if I really have lost the smarts I've prided myself on all these years? What if this newfound faith is unjustified, what if I really am what I'm most afraid of: below-average?

I want to make people proud. I want to show what I hope I'm really capable of. I've been known to be very competitive in reasonably uncompetitive situations. I like proving people wrong about me. I really hope I will.