That 'Yes' Feeling

My mom has always told me I am my worst critic. I agree with her to an extent, but that doesn't make me any more confident in my work. It is what it is. I feel like teens aren't criticized enough in what they do. Adults assume that 'it's good for their age group', and thus they never fairly critique the rather immature work. I prefer what I do to be put up against adults' and given honest feedback because even though I know it's not nearly as good as what the people I look up to are putting up, I'm going to be an adult sooner or later and I want to get better now rather than to learn the hard way of suddenly finding out what I've been doing my entire life was bollocks. I aspire to be 'great', and I know I have to start yesterday. That's why I question myself so deeply. Because no one else has the kahunas to tell me what I'm doing wrong, I take it upon myself. I sleep with Bukowski and Siken next to my pillow because if I can't sleep, that's what I'd want myself to go to. I go to garage sales and pick up the books and movies I've heard reviews of for a few bucks apiece because I want to have the opportunity to learn from them. I want to be able to see the intricacies of language and hear what makes a record spectacular. I want to know why I love the things I love. I want to have the tools to root out what that 'yes' feeling for me entails.

My favorite music video I've ever seen is It's About Time by Barcelona. I have irritated my close friends multiple times by gushing about its raw symbolism and how I've taken that approach in my own life and therefore my work. I showed it to Lex a couple weeks ago, and she said she understood it but when I asked her questions about it she couldn't seem to find answers. What they are talking about has been so clear to me since the first time I watched it, such that I feel a bit dumb saying it's my favorite music video because it doesn't reserve a lot of thinking for me. I don't think it's right for someone to be criticized for what they enjoy, but since I serve as a walking contradiction, I still feel this way towards myself.

When we got the assignment, I immediately thought of this music video. How could I possibly make a film about a relationship when I already have a favorite video about a relationship?
 I wrote out the script almost immediately. Well, I saw the project, took a nap, and then wrote it out, so a lot didn't happen in between. Originally, an angel tricked a boy into falling in love with her, although the angel knows she can't love him back. I have an entire description of what it originally looked like here, but I want to say right now that this is not how I'd explain the final project at all, mostly because a lot of the symbolism got lost during filming and also because having to be behind the camera is hard.
 I think I subconsciously chose this song to be used for my film before I formally acknowledged it. I think the song has wound itself so deeply into what I consider a relationship that it was the only option I felt right about. I had that yes feeling.

Because I had this song in the back of my mind throughout the entire project, I think the story became more about the song than the actual story I originally wrote out. Especially as time went on and as I spent more time dwelling on what exactly I wanted. I feel like it has a music video vibe to it, which I'm not exactly proud of, but overall I am putting this up and this is what I did and I'm proud of myself for getting it done.

Anyways, here you go.