Writing is like living. I say "like" because it's a simile and not definitively true. Writing is not living because writing is how you wish it had gone, how you pictured it going, never the way the world plays things out because in the end, perspective would change any situation.
I don't like school because it's not about being alive. I realized that about five minutes ago. School is about how well you can memorize things and follow exact orders and follow societal norms. I find progressive schools fascinating because they believe in passion, like I do. School is still school though.
I suppose I'm intelligent. I've been told it before, and I think I believe it, but it always sounds pretentious to describe yourself as such. I read in a book recently that knowledge and intelligence are different things, and I believe it. You're born with intelligence and knowledge is something acquired. Something worked towards. I've always wanted to be knowledgable, and I think I am on some things, but I have trouble putting some of the things I know into action.
I'm not good at school. I understand it, or I should say I understand what I'm supposed to do. But I let passion be my excuse. "I don't want to do things I'm not passionate about." Once you let yourself think this way, it feels impossible to extract yourself from it. I like to think I'm trying. I like to.
I read four books last week. That isn't nearly as many as I wish I had, but I hadn't read a book in the longest time beforehand either so I shouldn't really discourage myself for it. I'm a fast reader. I blazed through them, soaking them up, and now they're about all I've really been thinking about. That happens to me a lot. I hop from one obsessive concept to another.
They force me to write. I haven't gone through the packet on inspiration yet, but lately I've been noticing myself being influenced constantly. Through books, through tv, through music. Before I read the four books, everything I'd been writing had been metaphysically covered in grease, denim, leather, and cigarette smoke. That was all coming from the latest Arctic Monkeys album, which I'm still not sick of after months of listening to one song or another daily. Yesterday I listened through the entire album in one sitting, making the latest mark on an innumerable timeline.
I've been writing again. After reading those four books, instead of smoke I've been more influenced by water. Two favorite quotes of mine that have been looping through my stream of consciousness lately are "Love me or leave me" (when I think of it, it's the translated line in the French-Canadian film, Les Amours Imaginaires, although I obviously know it's an incredibly famous line in general) and "The ocean is six miles deep" (honestly, when am I not thinking about this quote). Everything in my head is about water. Last night I went for a walk in the rain. I love the rain. I needed to get out of my house and just let myself believe I was being re-baptized. Since it's raining now, I feel clearer. Cleansed. It makes the air I breathe feel cleaner.
I hope the juxtaposition of water and fire in my head right now might help me balance out, and ultimately guide me into a level-headed playing field.
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