tw: I wasn't going to post this. It's in my normal writing fashion. It's for me more than for anyone else.
I also took this down a few hours ago but now it's back up, so take that as you will.
I'm really upset about this. I thought people weren't supposed to regret aging until at least they reached the legal age, but here I am, wallowing. I think the main reason for my discomfort is because I feel I haven't done enough in the past year. I had some really high points, sure, but I don't feel like I've accomplished any of the things I set out to do.
One of the excuses I could give for this is my surroundings. I'm realizing as I get older that how clean my room correlates with how well I function. When my room is dirty, I am scatterbrained and easier to startle. When it's clean, I feel like my mental state is clearer as well. My problem is that I don't know which is the cause and which is the effect. I don't know if not cleaning my room makes me more unstable, or if being more stable makes me clean my room. I'm going to try to experiment with this.
As you can probably tell, my room is a mess right now.
Another excuse could be that it's been a "rather tough" year. In the past month, my dad had heart surgery and then hand surgery (from a fall he took while taking my dog on a walk I told him to take), my brother had basically the flu, Lex has been suffering from something which has only been made worse by her Hashimoto's disease, and my mom is currently at one of the sickest points I've ever seen of her in my life. My older dog has a cyst that could turn septic, my younger cat is terribly matted, my older cat got into a tomcat fight last night, and my younger dog may be developing back problems.
I don't want the last month to have happened, let alone the last year. I've learned a lot, sure. Usually, I would take that in stride and use it as a focal point for hope. I would convince myself that in order to grow we must come from somewhere. I would believe myself. But right now I can't. Right now, all I can think about are the mistakes and the lies and the regrets. I don't believe in regrets. But I still have them.
Maybe in the next year, things will be different. I want them to be, and I want to be more hopeful. I like to think by around this time next year, I'll be rearing to go in terms of college, driving a station wagon around (thinking I'm so hip), and
Here's to the impending conclusion of my seventeenth year, and good vibes directed towards my eighteenth.
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