Three Core Values from an Apple that Didn't Fall Far from the Tree

A year ago, I read a The Adoration of Jenna Fox. Since then, I've really wanted to be able to upload my brain onto a hard drive and just be able to sort through it in a simple way like a computer instead of the jumbled mess that is my mind. I'm a naturally messy person, and that seeps into a lot of what I do, even into how I think. I'm always all over the place. It's like most people have their thoughts in an alphabetized filing cabinet while mine are just kinda scribbled-on napkins mixed with end-of-term papers and crumpled articles stuffed in this cabinet until you can't open it in fear it'll burst. I guess that's why I'm so incomprehendable in this, because my core values are just as crumpled and intrinsic as I see my thought process.
But here we go.
I'll try my best to be as understandable as I can, just for you, Doll. If you say please. Or not. Be rude, if you fancy it.
1. Control/Security
This one seems to be a constant. I kind of go in circles with it, and hopefully someone can help me brush out the knots. But when I was a kid, I used to freak out over control. I still do, but differently. I used to need it or else I wouldn't be able to play nice. I was an older sibling, it's natural. But now, I need to be in control of what I'm put in control of, I need a choice in the matter. Sometimes I feel like I wish someone would take everything I have to do off of my shoulders, and on occasion I have tried to delegate my own burden on others. Maybe I just put too much on myself, or just get overwhelmed by little things. I'm probably just a wuss. Goddamn, this sounds so freaking depressing. It isn't, really, I promise. I'm just a bit of a worry wart. A negative Nelly at times. Wait just one moment. Now it's starting to turn into a self-reliance thing. Which might also be a jealously thing. But jealousy can be dealt with later, and with a scythe and the country radio app my Mom recently downloaded. Self-reliance is really big for me. And it fits in with what I'm saying above, in a way. All I really want is to be self reliant. I've always wanted be that way. But I'm not so I guess this is Jealousy. Can that be a core value? Envy? Aspiration? Self-improving? Security is all about keeping yourself safe, preserved. But I'm really just scared of being degraded. Which then goes into my next little point.
2. Praise/Self - Worth
I am a giant puppy. You scratch me behind the ears and I will protect you by no bounds. Wierd that I'm not so protective of myself, huh? I just want someone to put me on a leash in a totally platonic way. Litany in Which Certain Things are Crossed Out by Richard Siken really explains how I feel. I was close to hysterics the first time I read it. There's a link to it, if you please. You don't even have to google it, it's right there. But maybe it doesn't explain me. Maybe I'm projecting. I do that.
Reading this back, I don't wan't you to feel bad for me. And I feel like that's what's happening. I want Respect.  And I just don't know how to get it.  I want to feel equal, like I haven't put everyone around me on a pedestal while I wax the Mausoleum Floor. I did this to myself and I take complete Responsibility. I don't want to be seen as this silly little girl who worries whether her hair looks alright no matter how true that is. I don't want to be grouped into something, something so negatively viewed by the world. Teenager. I don't want to be a teenager. I want to be someone that I would look up to. I want to sit in a clean movie theatre with great acoustics while I watch a fantastic movie that makes my heart swell the way it does such that I can't help but curl my toes and be abundantly happy. Not like in the movies. Like real life. It's happened before. I'm losing my train, where have the tracks gone? Is that smoke in the distance? Can we make it if we run fast and peel back our eyes till they burn and we're nothing but happy and breathless? Till we feel nothing but alive? Can I write that for myself? I'm so used to needing someone to pat my head and I'm getting so sick of it. But who can pat their head while still rubbing their stomach because I have nothing but a hunger to keep moving.
3. Escape
From what I had written today, I'm surprised this wasn't written anywhere on it. The deeper that I've gone now, I see that whenever I'd go back to relief or control or some other relatively predictable thing, I forget this little popular gem. Escape. I cannot live without escape, and I see that now. This is something I'm very protective over. I feel like a lot of what I do is fake as I've gotten older, so forced. I want people to like me so much that I feel strangled myself. Escape has always been a way to clear my head, to let someone else take up rent for a spell and just feel. Escape is what I haven't done in a while. Something that I need desperately to start again. I'm quite tough on myself, I get stress headaches quite often because I don't exactly face my problems. I have a tendency to just let them be and that can be more self destructive than running from them, the way I see it. Escape is just to let me relax for a bit. I need to relax. I don't relax. I can lay in bed for hours on end but don't think for a second that it helps in that field. Again, quite a Negative Nelly, huh? I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I also need to get my shit together. I can't seem to do either. This is long and probably boring. I'm picking my brain to an audience that shouldn't have had to suffer through the first paragraph. Thank you to anyone who read through, thank you to everyone that skimmed. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being you.